Today's fuck as hell. Not because I got bullied or something bad and such. But rather because I just got a mental mentoring in "kuliah umum" this noon. Why??? Because I think I've burried my ideas about success and being famous and such for a long time. But now, just now when I didn't want those things anymore, I must hear a speech or preach from a preacher about how to be a successful person. The thing is, I have walked that way to be success for at least a half year, while I was being hated by people. That is also a pain in the ass. I don't know why but for me, thinking or maybe dreaming to be a successful and famous person lead me to be an arrogant person. I become to see people as tiny stupid people that live just for eat and sleep. But unfortunately it was all just my imagination. Because the fact is, me myself is nothing compared to anyone! So that means that I am just as fuck as them in my imagination. And so the karma went to me. I was hated I think. And I don't think that I am really close to my classmates. Well, a few of them are. But I am still a little bit awkward to a few of the rest. It makes me feel weak. Because of that I think that the safest way is to keep myself to be a modest person.
And the fact is, the more I surpress the emotion or desire to be successful and famous, the more I have no confident and become inferior. I don't know what I should do. If I become a big mouth person, maybe my friends will hate me again. But in other hand I really want them to be successful people one day. I want to make a good atmosphere to compete each other for the sake of goodness. But I guess my intentions were misunderstood. I have told them literally what I want them to do, but I guess they just don't want to follow my suggestions. It's really a pain in the ass because all I have been through was so perfect. My high school friends accepted my thoughts back then. I admit that one of my friend was really influential to the others minds. Maybe it was me that was being "controlled" by him to do what he wanted, and it was being a clown. I never mind that cause it was my dream back then to entertain people. But for that I have to pay something. And it is to spent away my precious time for three years for not train to be a leader. Now I can feel the result. I can't influent people like how I want them to be. So, if there is no benefit for them, they will not obey my instructions. So that means that I have to struggle by myself.
I keep asking myself what the real thing I want is. But there are so many things in my mind when I tried to answer it. They are to become a comic artist, to be a rapper, to be a businessman, to be a famous guy with smart ideas and cool perfomance. When I realized those dreams, I started to ask myself "what the hell is wrong with me?!" And now I am so confused if I have to struggle for those hard things to achieved or just let them go and fly away like a butterfly in front of my face.
And I don't really have many networks. I tried to built it. I followed many schedules and a few committees. I have been a bit responsible for the taewkwondo club for this last year. But they are just not enough and I know it.
I must keep move on, man. Though I dont have ANY FUCKING PERSON WHO SUPPORT ME I will not go down. Fot my only goal,
sincerely,
BEING A COMIC MAKER
AMIN
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