Why always so hard?

Well, I wanna write this, because I think that I have just realized something very important in my Life. And I think it' literally important to everyone. Yes..I think I have been being such an asshole. With arrogant thoughts, words that I say, and also what I've done for more than a year. I was just realizing that I'm such of that kind of person. I became like that. I don't know why but, it's literally just freaking me out. Cause I never thought before that I'm gonna grew up and have minds like that. I just wanted to be a 'somebody' that everybody in the world know. But I guess that was a mistakeful idea. I should've known that it is not what people said as being nice.

I became ambitious. I ever heard from a motivator that ambition is a good thing. But the real thing is, people just dont like it as much as I do. In fact, everytime I tried to tell somebody that I've achieved something, eventhough it's just a little thing, they just started to ignore my opinions. Why in the sake of earth people don't have such a good sense of happiness if others are just having the best thing in thier life? It's not a quite good atmosphere to grow leaders and brave human beings that can make true whatever they want. In fact, they are more likely to stay with sombody that has nothing a his skill. Or, they who shut up when people asked what they're into..

I don't understand, but that is a fact. And I've been in those situation not just once or twice. But more than that, and I can guarantee you all readers to follow my path. Yes, just shut your mouth up when you've reached something eventhough you just found a gold mine. Maybe they think that I am showing off myself. But I just want to make 'em motivated with my ideas and stories. I can't do anything to other people since they are beings.

And the more that I give opinions to myelf like this, "Yahya, you are a no one, and you dont deserve good and lucky fate like all those people who have plenty of money and their faces are known all over the world. You are a NO BODY". If I say that to myself, then buff...I become a nicely liked person that at least, don't make em wanna puke on my face cause of my habit of being such a big mouthed and acting arrogantly person. I admit that I deeply in my heart wanna be somebody who is famous, and useful to others. And someone who everybody love, no one hates me. But, why my God?

If life itself is just a game for You, then why am I here? What is the point of struggle as You said that You won't change people's luck unless they change it themselves. It's okay, I understand that You control our lives, even there is a book that was written thousands of years before You create the world. Even I'm writing here now and I'm gonna send it to my blog had been written in that book. But, my question is, why don't You give me just a little more ease for this. You know that I can't struggle ALONE. I've been alone since I was 12. Compared to those who had a normal life out there when I was in junior high. And even in senior high I got worse. I didn't even know that it was my destiny. Thank You I had survived. If not because of You, I must had hang myself off. And now, in the time when my MOST WISH IS TO HAVE FRIENDS WHO GONNA SUPPORT ME AND FIGHT WITH ME IN THIS HARD STREETS WHO DONT WANNA BEG THEIR FATHERS JUST BECAUSE THEIR MONEY RUN OUT, just like me...You dont give em to me ??? You know, in the high school when I wanted many best friends, you gave me a person who almost dont have a heart. And he as my friend. And I didn't have anyone else. Why if we really want something, the thing is just getting slowly far away from us?

Can't we even have a dream? Why do we have to struggle at everything that we want to be or have? Why? Why can't You make this world just more easy to us? I'm waiting for Your answer.

I was just going to end this writing like that above. But I thought of something again. I was literally with no doubt, loathing the whole time. But in this paragraph until the last full stop I want to motivate myself again. Maybe this quick reaction which is 180 degree different from before is just His answer to me. In my bottom of my heart I just want to keep struggling, I wanna see what's going to happen if I just continue this. Because in my high school I did nothing, instead of chasing something as my goal, I was such a passive and pragmatic person who accepted everything that came to me. I'm not saying that I'm not gonna accepting things that will happen to me now, but I just want to make a try. Yes, a try that who could ever knew could be my destiny in a few years from now. Just be patient Yahya..I said to myself like that. Well, I must be patient, but being a whole life long patient person isn't that fun. Maybe my only problem for all these times is that I just showing off myself. Everything that I do, everything that I think, I just tell everyone what's on my head. Mayb I just have to keep shut until they know it by themselves. I don't know why, but pople like it more like that. Actually, I dont like it myself either when people who haven't proved anything as their act to be a somebody is talking big about his dreams and his achievements. There are plenty of people who have succeed faster and has bigger achievement than them, I'm sorry, I mean me, and they just keep silent. Maybe it's just a chapter of my life where I learned a fact in this world where we have not to be showing off ourselves. Thank God...

Maybe I just have to try harder, and don't forget to keep silent and shut my fucking mouth off. :))

[A MOTIVATION TO MYSELF]